写给亲爱的自己

Finally made up my mind to embark a road trip with Martina over Christmas, which is - we will drive up to Byron Bay via the coastal route.

To rule out any possible second thoughts at a later stage, I booked a return train ticket to sydney - will knock it down in a sec as I have to go up to the post office to make the payment =) In that way, I will have no other options but go for it! Great work!

 

Woo, this is going to be my very first cross-state train ride. We are looking at leaving on 24th or 25th - still not sure about 24th, otherwise 25th is fine - luckily Martina is flexible with departure date.

So, our plan is to drive up to Port Macquarie (a five hours drive) and stay there for the 1st night, then head up to Byron Bay. To ensure it will be a rich trip, I really need to sit down and do some research on Port Macquarie and the Entrance. So far, I honestly have absolutely no clue about PM re 'what to do, where to go, what to see, where to eat', etc. Despite the feeling that it is (almost destinatedly) going to be quite random anyway (aka, extremely unorganised, with possibilities vary from ending up in the middle of nowhere to somewhere far north of Brisbane!), I will at least try this time to seriously plan for it! 

 

Have to confess that I am getting increasingly excited about the somewhat notorious tales of Byron Bay Cookies as getting closer to the trip ; )

Surely mum will not be pleased to hear about this...then again, she needs not to know, does she? ; )

 

Yay!

Frida: Then promise me - be loyal to me.

 

---

 

Tina Modotti: I don't believe in marriage.
[crowd laughs]

 

Tina Modotti: No, I really don't. Let me be clear about that. I think at worst it's a hostile political act, a way for small-minded men to keep women in the house and out of the way, wrapped up in the guise of tradition and conservative religious nonsense. At best, it's a happy delusion - these two people who truly love each other and have no idea how truly miserable they're about to make each other. But, but, when two people know that, and they decide with eyes wide open to face each other and get married anyway, then I don't think it's conservative or delusional. I think it's radical and courageous and very romantic. To Diego and Frida.

 

---

Oh screw it - I wanna shout, I wanna cry, I wanna drop everything to run home!

 

Help!

最近在读'The boy who fell out of the sky'.

在M家无所事事的时候顺手拿的。

书以倒叙的形式开头——David在一场空难中丧生。David常年在外，弟弟Ken已经习惯了他的不在场。对于Ken而言，David在这个世界上存在过的证据，只剩下了他们的通信。对Ken而言，David的突然离开，正如他的曾经存一样不真实。David留下了一堆零零散散的手稿，Ken决定沿着这个线索追寻——only he doesn't know what exactly he is looking for.

 

前30页过于平淡，所以转去读belle de jour的dairy了，然后waris的'desert flower'；直到上周把desert flower丢在M家，实在无书可读，于是才又把这本捡起来看。

我想大多数人都能在David身上看到自己，因为大多数人都为梦想奋斗过，为前途困惑过，为生活妥协过，对自己失望过，对现实绝望过。

我想大多数人也能在Ken身上看到自己，因为大多数人都有羡慕的人，有敬仰的人，有迫切想要了解的人，有无法了解的人，有走不进其内心的人。

 

我不能说我“喜欢”这本书，因为David的一生是真实的，严肃的；顽皮过，得意过，喧哗过，轻狂过，平凡过，痛苦过，绝望过——“喜欢”过于轻浮。

David是一束绚烂的花火——最残酷莫过于看到他燃烧殆尽那一刻。

我还没有看完这本书，但我觉得，以殉于空难的形式离开这个世界，David自己是满意的，或许最后那几秒甚至是微笑的。

Ken也许最终意识到，David是幸运的，生活对他最终还是仁慈的。

 

有些人，在生命中短暂地出现过。

虽然你知道在离开他们以后，你“依旧”或者“才”会花很长时间去试图理解他们，然后在理解的那瞬间——开始忘记他们；但你依旧会舍得离开，舍得让他们走。

因为你知道，那才是最好的告别方式。

---

There was a time in our lives when we were so close that nothing seemed to obstruct our friendship, brotherhood, and only a small footbridge separated us.

Just as you were about to step on it, I asked you:' Do you want to cross the footbridge to me?' - immediately, you did not want to any more; and when I asked you again, you remained silent.

Since then mountains and torrential rivers and whatever separats and alienates have been cast between us, and even if we wanted to get together, we couldn't. But when you now think of that little footbridge, words fail you and you sob and marvel.

 

- Friedrich Nietzsche, 'Over the Footbridge'

---

When communication reduced to minimum level, to make whatever you had had going, you started to fill the vast gap with imagined conversations.

And when you have done it for a while, you started to believe you were in a relationship.

When you realized and at last admitted it was toxic, you broke it off.

 

Hey girl, never you understood him, nor you ever will.

Hey girl, you are only fancinated about the fabrication in your mind, not the one who kept disappointing you in reality.

 

Hey girl, you already knew all the above, didn't you?

Hey girl, hey my sweet wee girl...

第三者：  

     你好。 我是你情人的原配。或者从传统来说，我是你的大姐， 而你是我家的妾。 收到这封信恐怕你会有点吃惊，你大概一直以为我不知道你的存在吧。 非也。既然你给我写了辞职信，那么在你辞职之前，我觉得有必要把一些情况说清楚。  
     你在我俩之间从来不是隐身人。我看过你的照片，听过你的故事，甚至包括你的每一种姿势。你不信？ 那好，我来证明。你是不是扁平足，牙做的烤瓷？真遗憾， 当你决定作三的时候，你的一切隐私就都将暴露了， 因为只有夫妻才是最亲密的人。而你呢，连我的照片都没见过吧？   

     你会问我问什么这么容忍他，是的， 这个时候你有必要知道。不是容忍， 是我希望他快乐。这个你就不懂了， 男人的性欲最强在20-30， 而女人则要在30以后，我还年轻，所以对房事无太大兴趣。那么这个鸿沟如何跨越？经过我们夫妻的沟通，排除了用工具自慰和小姐的可行性。决定给他纳个暗妾。   

     我们在Ｎ个人选中最终选择了你。因为你身材年轻，经济实惠，思想幼稚，唯爱情论而蔑视婚姻。种种特点使你成为做三的最佳人选。阿，你是如此平凡，却又如此幸运！
     你以为那些动你芳心的礼物很贵吗？那些首饰 不用给我看，那些都是我去批发市场精心挑选的便宜货。   
     他还要给你买房子？ 对，，我们是打算买房子付个首付， 我的名子，你去还贷款。。。由于你根本没有法律的名分，所有投入最后都是枉然。  

     他经常领你逛街购物？那些都是小事情。你肯定猜不到你姐姐都用什么牌子。否则你不会如此洋洋得意。  

     我爱虚荣？也许是吧，爱虚荣的人起码爱面子，知道管自己的男人要名分要承诺要责任。婚姻才是女人的堡垒，而像你这样的三儿只配拿爱情做遮羞布，无怨无悔的发贱。  
　  
     信用卡我不掌握？是的，　但我掌握他的公司，　信用卡的单每月都是我还。  

     昨天是我的生日？笑话。 我的生日早过了， 说起来，你应该记得那天，就是那天你一个人去打胎， 反复打电话而没人接听。 当时他正在陪我和岳父母吃饭。  
   
     他对我的借口是打麻将？ 我们当初没选错你。这样的谎话只有你会信。 那他为什么总喜欢这样说话呢， 比如说我虚荣，在家里很弱势等等，那是因为精明的他发现你喜欢听这样的话。 你并不爱他，也不爱性，但是他发现你喜欢幻想着征服了另一个优秀女人， 甚至因此达到莫名其妙的快感。他分析这可能是因为一直心理有自卑感，因为从你的成长过程来看，你从来没出类拔萃过！！    

     错了，这封信使你明白你彻底失败！
     其实女人何苦为难女人，姐姐又何必为难妹妹？ 我本来隐瞒实情，令你如芙蓉般自恋，带着自己的海市蜃楼而去。可是看了你洋洋自得的来信，我觉得我有责任令你在人生的路上更清醒。希望你能明白些道理，真正爱你的男人不是逛街购物买房子，而是实实在在给你法律上的责任。 现在你会很受伤，但请相信我的出发点是好的。  

     现在你要辞职了，我确实有点遗憾。纳你这个暗妾， 我们是花了钱的。 不过算了， 本来不值多少钱。往好了想， 确实比找小姐便宜省心。所以， 作为原配，我感谢你的付出。  

     话说到这了，如果你坚持认为做三对你来说是一个有前途有发展的职业，而不过是想换个雇主， 我这个姐姐会给你写推荐信的。因为目前看，三还是有市场的，而你很有优势，你廉价， 经济实惠， 青春逼人，行为开放，相对干净（跟小姐比）实在是无意房事，或怀孕安胎的原配们安抚老公必备之良三。 我因此积极推荐你！　  

     你别客气，表谢了。  

     这都是我应该做的。   

     最后再给你几个小小的建议：
     1。一般来说，一个女人打胎5次以上，很难再怀孕。所以，当你将来玩够了想嫁人的时候，而二婚有孩的落魄男人实在是不错的人选。  
     2。你要攒钱以备将来的保养。因为你这样的女孩比良家妇女老的快，因为你们性生活频繁，女性器官老化很快，这直接决定你将来会比同龄人更快的变丑。那次打胎之后， 是不是到现在还脸色蜡黄，浑身无力？  
     3。千万不要相信男人给你的爱情。你的所谓“爱情”可以用来做自我陶醉的工具，但我劝你，像你这封信一样说出来只能是贻笑大方。任何一个精明的男人都不会娶你这样的女人。因为你的青春是短期资产，是要加速折旧的，　而男人的钱包却会随着资历，岁月的赠加越来越鼓。这一切还同时需要一个优秀女人的辅佐。打个比方说，男人的发妻是一生发展的原始股东，若合作愉快，事业很快蒸蒸日上，幸福可期。若是见色生意，头脑发昏，结局只能是放弃股份惨淡出局。 而任何一个精明男人不会做这样的选择。而三不过是某一阶段的消费品，新箍的马桶也有三天新鲜。 男人找三无非是新鲜好奇，你这类自恋的女孩永远不会明白这个道理。  

     就说这么多了，　辞呈批准，祝前途无量。　  

                                       原配

“最近怎么样？忙吗？”

“还行。你呢？”

“不太忙。我们什么时候见面呢？”

想说我们不会在见面了——事实上，几个月前我就说过了，可他不以为然——我无法理解，他为什么就这么有把握我会回心转意。

又或许，他根本就不在乎被拒绝——so what? plenty fish in the ocean. 

 

想了想。

“我遇见了别的人了。”

“你的新室友？”

“不是。别的人。我记得有人曾经温和警告我——兔子不吃窝边草 ：）”

“好吧。很遗憾，你是个好女孩。good luck.”

通常，这种情况下应该说“谢谢”，可我并不特别想，于是回复“：）”

“你和他现在在正式约会么？或者，我还有机会？”

“什么机会？”

“To have you seeing me more at least : )”

 

本想开玩笑地回一句——“这个问题现在回答太早，三个月以后再问吧——如果你到时候还记得我的话。”

或许，他真的会记得；可那又有什么用呢？

“到了你我这个年龄，人是很难再改变了。”——他曾经这么说过，最初见面的时候。

 

于是——

"We are dating...”

"hehe, fair enough. all the best for it - i hope he is a great guy.”

"Thanks. I hope so too : ) "

 

 

当然，我并没有遇见别的人。

 

Friday at work, an msn message popped out.

'Wanna hear some good news?'

It's Dao Dao.

'Yup, always.'

She then copied and pasted a link - her blog.

 

Bombshell!

I quickly keyed - 'who is him?'

'An actor i met through work, participated in a few films. Tall, handsome, and lovely.'

 

I was speechless - partly due to the overwhelming joy for her, partly because I was hit hard because I never thought I would be the last.

 

Anyway, be happy, girl.

 

P.S. I request pics. 

I just FUCKING hate it!

周五，下班后乖乖回家，吃好洗好上床捧着本书睡觉。

周六，起床，洗头洗澡，整理房间，收拾打包，出门去凯家。

 

中途在townhall刹了一脚，买了那条裙子。

到凯家时差不多4点，两人到楼下超市买了点食物，然后一边看欲望都市，一边等玛。

5点过5分，玛风风火火赶到，于是三人到楼下游泳。

玛早上和吉一起跑了8公里，理所应当赖在spa里不出来。我和凯则继续我们的1000米计划——这一次，我们游了22个25米，离1000米又进一步。

和凯计算了一下，如果每周坚持两次，每次增加2个length，那么5周以后就是1000米。

 

之后，我们去看了Up——让人心情愉快的电影，强烈推荐，老少皆宜。

尔后，玛开车送我们回凯家。

露出差去了，4周后才回来，所以晚上就在露的房间睡。

 

周日

早上6点便起来了——凯今天跑马拉松，我去现场作为亲友团支持。

还好全程有朋友接送，所以虽然早起，但不是太难过。

 

在终点线处的草坪上野餐，没过多久，一群人便酒足饭饱昏昏欲睡。

决定火车回到凯家，两人晒了会儿太阳，便回房午睡——两小时后起床，神清气爽。

凯建议下午去一家吧，并且制止了我带一本书去读的企图。

回到凯家后，我和凯一个趴在沙发上，一个趴在地毯上，翻看八卦杂志。

天快黑的时候，我开始收拾东西，往家走。

 

凯和玛很不同——玛很健谈，和她在一起的时候，我也相应变得话多，以至于麦克（玛的男朋友）基本都没有说话的机会。玛曾经“警告”过麦克——“亲爱的，你如果想要说什么，最好当即立断说出来——不然我真的就一个人把话说完了。”

和凯在一起的时候，我会相应安静一些。凯既是姐姐，也是同龄人；和她在一起，不说话也会觉得很惬意。凯习惯会把未来几个周末安排地仅仅有条，每个周末都会做不同的事情。我很喜欢凯的生活态度——不停往前看，日子才会过得有展望。

和玛碰在一起的时候，念头会古灵精怪得有些超出年龄限度；若碰巧吉米也在，那就是光怪陆离了……for better or worse，吉米并不经常参与我和玛的聚会。

 

新的一周又要开始了。

——记得走的时候和凯计划好了下周末要做什么，结果回到家就忘了——I really should start to write things down.

如果神听得到你的许愿，就一样看得见你的自欺欺人。

---

于是，我在周六的火车上打了个盹。

匆匆忙忙下车的时候，我丢掉了我最喜欢的红裙子。

结果是，跑遍了悉尼绝大部分French Collection，均被告知“对不起，已经卖完了。”

 

每一次我心存侥幸地自欺欺人的时候，神大人都会惩罚我丢东西。

于是，这一次，他惩罚我——我弄丢了最喜欢的红裙子，和香水。

 

昨天，我画下了一个休止符。

今天，在公交车上路过Myer，奇迹般地在橱窗再次看到了那条红裙子。

明天，它将要回来。

 

09年新年的夜晚，我有一个约会——我，和我的红裙子。

 

Welcome back.

---

To sum it up - I AM VERY PROUD OF MYSELF TODAY.

 

YES I AM.

YES I AM!

AND MORE IMPORTANTLY, IT FELT GREAT!

To a strip club -------------------------------------------------------------------------- mission accomplished

Get "seeing a spinning roof"-ly drunk ------------------------------------------------ mission accomplished

Take pole dancing class --------------------------------------------------------------- mission accomplished

Take lap dance classes ---------------------------------------------------------------- mission accomplished

Going on speed date(s) --------------------------------------------------------------- very soon

Go swimming regularly ---------------------------------------------------------------- undergoing!

Trapeze ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------- roughly in 2 months time

Misbehave (mildly, healthily restrainedly and sensibly) ----------------------------- soon to be

Bridge climb ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- whenever I can afford

Go cycling (will have to get an iPod to fulfill this, emm, mission) ------------------ soon

Read at least 3 more books before the year end ------------------------------------------ slowly progressing

Learn Salsa ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ 8 weeks course, starting early Oct

Cha cha?

Learn to play tennis --------------------------------------------------------------------- early next year, hopefully

 

Emmm...looking good.

---

Well, I suppose the list above has pretty much explained why I was, am, and almost certainly will be perpeturally broke throughout this 2009.

 

: )

I've got to admit that I don’t enjoy what I do.

Then again, how many do in deed?

 

To date, I have appreciated why accountants are always in demand as a profession, or more accurately, why it has sit on the occupation in demand list for so long without being threatened – it is not hard job. The tasks involved are less challenging than tedious and dull. It is even much worse when you work in an accounts department – the whole week can be summarized up as screening phone calls for the hierarchy and preparing creditors list.

 

It is actually funny when I really think about it – In terms of stages in life, I am literally at where I am – a windowless, suffocating cubic.

That's probably why I was so happy for Katie when I learnt her latest job review turned out supprisingly good. She was beaming while breaking the great news to me over a table full of sashimi.

She enjoys what she does at work, and in life, mostly.

Good for her.

 

The first and last half an hour at work is usually when my mind started to drift away…so here I am, progressively being snowed under by incremental invoices and paper documents.

 

I am not enjoying.

Then again, how many of us are?

 

This is not who I wanted to be, and definitely not what I saw myself being doing one year before.

 

At times, reality hits, and it bites. I waved it away by repeatedly reassuring myself that it was just a transition…

 

It’s getting close to finishing.

Wondering where I shall be heading tonight…

周末走在街上，周围充满了手牵手的情侣。

 

被成双成对的人们包围着，心情却很好。

眨眨眼，扬起嘴角，我微笑——世界那么大，悉尼那么小，那么多人牵起了彼此的手，我也总会遇到一个想牵我的手的人。

 

I don't ask for a lot.

He needs to be a Man, who wants to hold my hand.

From there, things can be worked out if we really try.

 

手机充电器又丢在K家了。

于是下班后直接去了St Leonard.

 

随着和K越来越多的接触，发现K和自己很相像——K自己也怎么说。

所不同的是，相似的经历发生在K身上的时候，要早很多。

 

K说——我们都会犯傻，都会犯错——每个人都有故事。

K说——我们在这里没有家人，所以我们就是彼此的家人，所以我们要彼此照顾。

 

在火车上，我直直地盯着K。

K: "what?”

Me: "Okay...I am going to tell you something, but please don't be shocked."

K看着我，嘴角上翘: "Okay...don't tell me..."

话没说出来，但已经心领神会。

Me: "Yes..."

K: "Jill! I can't believe you did that! Well, actually I can believe."

Me: "Well, I have a good explaination."

K: "Correction - a good excuse."

Truth is - it's a convinient excuse, a getaway card from guilt-trip.

 

K是个心地善良，聪明直率的女孩子。

在K面前，不需要辩解，也不需要顾忌。

 

如果今年神大人给我的愿望配额只有一个，那么我希望K能够顺利找到一份她想要的、配得上她的工作，留在悉尼。

当然，神大人，如果你的原定配额是三个，即便你已经听到了我以上的愿望，剩下两个还是继续要给我的哈！！

---

想去游泳。

As the door behind me shut, I finally have some breathing space at work.

It was 3pm, and I just came back from the post office. My manager went to get some lunch, leaving me in the office all by myself.

 

I didn't know how much time I had before she got back - she's a nice lady, probably wouldn't make a fuss even if she caught me abusing office internet.

 

My permanent residency finally came through last week. Suprisingly I was not at all excited - perhaps after a good five months painful waiting, I grew numb over the whole residency thing. Two months ago, I told myself - if it hadn't come through by the end of the year, I would be out of here - back to where I came from.

 

I haven't told my parents about the approval of my application for residency. Quite frankly, it's largely because I am a bit afraid they would ask me to go back upon knowing, or more likely, adding pressure on it.

 

tbc

I gotta feeling,

That tonight's gonna be a good night.

That tonight's gonna be a good night.

That tonight's gonna be a good good night.

 

Tonight is the night, let's live it up.

I got my money, let's spend it up.

Go out and smash, like oh my god.

Jump off that sofa, let's get, get off.

 

I know we all have a ball,

Let's get down and go out and just lose it all.

I feel stressed out, I wanna let it go.

Let's go way out and spaced out and lose all control.

 

Fill up my cup, molzotov.

Look at her dance, just take it off!

Let's paint a town, and shut it down.

Let's burn the roof, and then we will do it again.

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: )